The question: “How often should Grandparents see their Grandchildren?” can only be answered by you. In order to please everyone, there is a fine balance to reach that may require compromise on both sides.
As you probably know if you’ve read anything else on this website, I am a Grandmother.
I am writing this article from that perspective.
Whether you are a Grandma, too, or the one having or raising the Grandchildren and want to share any advice I may have missed, please express your feelings or suggestions in the comments below.
I’d love to hear from you as we learn how to avoid being a toxic grandparent!
How Often Should Grandparents See Their Grandchildren?
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Family dynamics can vary greatly from one family to the next.
And within those families, individuals are, well, individuals.
How often Grandparents should see their Grandchildren is as diverse as the family they claim as their own.
The perfect answer to this question will depend on the people involved, both the grandparents and the new parents.
It depends on your family history, the status of your current relationship, your willingness to compromise and work together for the benefit of the child.
Remember, they may be your children, but they are now your ADULT children. Treat them as such if you haven’t up until now. After all, they’re parents themselves.
Here are a few guidelines and suggestions to help you sort through the variables and reach your own solution.
From the time she finds out she is pregnant and throughout the life of the Grandparent/Grandchild relationship, there will be issues that arise, hurdles to cross, boundaries to set, and compromises to be made.
This will be true until those children reach adulthood and are able to make their own choices about their interactions with their Grandparents.
With the increasing life-expectancy of Grandparents, Grandchildren may have their Grandparents well into their adult years as is the case with my own sons.
They are in their mid-thirties and are extremely fortunate to still have good relationships with all 4 of their Grandparents, who are in their 80s.
Here are some things to think about when you’re deciding on an appropriate visiting schedule and how much time Grandparents should spend visiting their new grandchildren.
Visits during pregnancy
Before the baby arrives and before there is really an issue, take time to look ahead.
If this is the first Grandchild, especially if it is the first on both sides, circumstances will be different for you than if this is #7.
So this could be the first baby/grandchild for both sets of grandparents.
Or it could be the first baby for these parents.
Or this may be one of many children/grandchildren that have entered your family.
Local Grandparents will likely have more frequent access than long-distance grandparents, but your visits might be longer – a few days at a time instead of a few hours.
The position of the child in the family will make a difference in the reaction and involvement level you experience.
Before this baby arrives, talk about it.
Talk about expectations.
Grandparents, how often do you plan to visit?
If you’re like most grandparents, you’d love to have frequent contact.
How often is your son or daughter expecting you (or want you) to visit? Be truthful. Compromise.
Refrain from being a burden, intrusive, or nosy. Remember how you felt as a first-time parent when it came to your own children and your own parents.
Answer questions when you’re asked, but keep opinions to yourself.
And don’t plan on being in the delivery room. There might be a slight chance you’d be invited, but likely not.
Unless the mother asks you in, expect to be in the waiting room or at the other end of the phone line waiting for the news.
Respect her privacy, but express your interest. A fine line to walk, I know…
A healthy relationship can be made or broken by the decisions you make at this critical time.
And while you’re waiting, take a look at our Grandmother Journal and start keeping track of things now!
Grandparents Visiting Newborns
Once that baby arrives, especially that first Grandchild, I expect that you as a Grandparent will want to see this child. Often.
But you also want to develop a strong relationship and by nurturing the good relationship you undoubtedly already have with the child’s parents.
Hopefully, you followed the advice in the previous section and have made a plan with the baby’s parents – to be helpful, available, and supportive as agreed upon.
If you neglected this step, head there right now.
The best way to see your Grandchild is through respectful means.
Don’t drop in, don’t give unsolicited advice, or make comments about their “rules”.
Instead, call ahead. Come when you are invited.
Remember that there may be another set of grandparents, family members, and friends who also want to see this new baby.
Offer to keep other little ones so their Mom and Dad can have some time with the new addition.
As the newness subsides, the frequency of visits should, too.
How often Grandparents visit their Grandchildren as newborns will depend on whether they are local or long distance, the previous state of their relationship, past record of behavior, and needs of the parents.
There is not really a perfect amount of time to spend visiting, only what’s perfect for you and your family’s situation.
You might not think all of this is a big deal, but every little bit you can do to make this transition in their family easier for these new parents will help your cause in a good way.
Don’t push. Be kind.
The question of how often Grandparents should visit their Grandchildren does not necessarily have a black and white answer, either.
Do you visit too much? Not enough?
No matter which end of the spectrum the situation is currently on, it is important to find a happy medium and find the best ways to satisfy both the grandparents and the grandchildren, as well as the parents.
Grandparents Visiting Toddlers
As they grow, babies turn into toddlers.
They start to walk, speak, and play.
What a fun time to be able to visit with your Grandchildren!
Offer to babysit for date night.
Negotiate a regularly scheduled visit time so everyone knows what to expect.
Take things into consideration from the parent’s standpoint, too. Work schedules, other grandparents and family, your relationship, physical distance, convenience for the parents, the best interest of the child, and all the other things that come into play with young grandchildren.
Replace a physical visit with a visit on FaceTime. Here are some ideas for Games to Play Over FaceTime (or other video chat) with Grandchildren.
Technology is a great way to increase how often Grandparents can enjoy their Grandchildren.
How often should Grandparents see their Grandchildren?
If they have a challenging toddler, the parents might find that “too often” doesn’t exist.
The opportunity for parents to have a little “break” may be to Grandma’s advantage!
As a long-distance Grandparent, you could try this option.
Visit through a book! Make a photo book with pictures of you and your Grandchild.
Then whenever you are missed, mentioned in a conversation, or before a FaceTime conversation, your Grandchild can look at the book as a reminder of you.
Grandparents Visiting Preschoolers
As toddlers become young children – preschoolers-, they can finally express themselves and tell you how they feel and what they want.
And in my opinion, they are more fun at this age, too. (Just kidding, I’ve loved EVERY stage so far!)
But, really, they can carry on a conversation, play a game, tell jokes and sing along to the radio.
This is also a good age to babysit.
The toddler anxiety may have subsided a bit and the idea of a fun time with Grandparents sounds good to your Grands.
And, if you have the proper car gear, the parents might even let you take them places.
Going to the zoo, a children’s museum, or even for an overnight visit or campout will allow the Grandparents to see Grandchildren more often.
If you are a long-distance Grandparent, this is a great age for recordable storybooks like Under the Same Moon or The Night Before Christmas for the holidays.
Find a way to spend quality time with your grandchildren when they are preschool age. They are developing now, and their ability to remember doing things with you is taking shape.
Visit this post to discover more about making memories here: How to Make Childhood Memories That Last a Lifetime.
Grandparents Visiting Older Kids
The frequency of Grandparents visiting Grandchildren may decrease as they enter elementary school and eventually become teenagers.
But other types of contact may increase.
Attend their sporting events, school functions, programs, and other activities.
Go on short trips together – fishing, to the beach, hiking or something similar.
Go to a concert, a movie or play, or a baseball game.
Ask about their interests and let them share things with you that they enjoy.
Your time together may be less frequent, but can still be meaningful and memorable.
If you are a long-distance Grandparent, it may be possible to have your Grandchild come to stay with you for a week during summer break.
One of my husband’s fondest childhood memories is of spending a week each summer with his Grandparents and cousins.
Or meet up with the family for a few days during their vacation, if they don’t mind.
Find creative ways to visit your Grandchildren.
Outdoor Activities for Kids: Passing Down the Love of Nature
Experiences and Opinions of Other Grands
In writing this article, I interviewed several mothers and Grandmothers.
Here are a few of their comments about Grandparents visiting Grandchildren.
“It’s obviously a personal thing and depends on your relationship with them but as someone whose family lives thousands of miles away, we would love to have grandparents around for our kids and they would adore it, too. Believe me, you miss them when they aren’t around…”
“As a Grandparent, I adore my Grandchildren.
Every minute we spend with them is precious.
Talking with my daughter-in-law about how often we visit was really helpful.
They appreciate breaks from the baby and giving them a chance to get away for an evening is fun for us, too.
We have agreed to say when it’s too much or not enough. This understanding has made for a great relationship between us!”
“My parents live close by but have little interest in spending time with my kids.
It makes me sad that they are missing out on all the advantages of a close relationship with their Grandparents.
And my kids are pretty awesome – their Grandparents are missing out, too!”
“I’d love to see my Grandchildren more often, but they live far away.
We visit occasionally and stay for a few days at a time.
When we aren’t there, we still keep in touch about once a week through FaceTime. (Here are some games you can play through FaceTime, in case you aren’t sure what to do.)
I’ve even started writing letters to them which they LOVE!
I still feel like we have a close relationship because we are determined to stay in touch.”
“My mother-in-law won’t go away.
She drops in whenever and stays forever.
Good grief, she acts like my baby is HER baby!
I want them to be close, but there should be some rules. Why can’t she take a hint?
Thanks for bringing this up, I’m going to have a talk with her and let her know it’s not OK.”
Do you agree with any of these?
What do you think?
Is it possible for Grandparents and their children to agree and compromise on how much time is enough time for grandparents to spend with grandchildren?
Are you as grandparents willing to spend time with your grandchildren on a regular basis, and are you, as the child’s parents, willing to allow them access to their grandchildren?
Are we all willing to do what is in the child’s best interest, provide emotional support for each other, and help grandparents develop strong bonds with their grandchildren?
Please feel free to leave your comments and let me know how you feel about this subject.
Setting Boundaries for Overzealous Grandparents
10 Top Tips for a New Grandma
So, How Often Should Grandparents See Their Grandchildren?
Determine how often Grandparents should see their Grandchildren for your own family.
Each phase will offer its own challenges.
Remember to take a step back and think about the perspective of the other people involved.
There is a fine line between being there too much and being seen as overbearing and meddlesome, and not being there enough and viewed as uncaring and apathetic.
Talk to each other.
Set boundaries and expectations.
Be willing to compromise.
The bond between children and their Grandparents can be a rewarding experience.
Studies have shown good relationships between Grandparents and Grandchildren to be instrumental in creating a solid emotional foundation.
Find a balance between the child’s needs, the child’s parent’s needs, and the grandparent’s needs.
Always remember that everyone should do what is in the child’s best interest.
Do what you can to ensure Grandparents and Grandchildren have an opportunity to make a positive and fulfilling connection.
How often do you see YOUR Grandchildren?
And Keep Passing Down the Love,
Wednesday 8th of February 2023
We have 2 daughters. 1 lives in Florida and 1 lives in Texas. We live in Pennsylvania. How often should we visit the grandchildren? The wife and I still have at least 8 years until we can retire. Flights to FL are reasonable but flights to Texas are not. The older daughter started having children 7 years before the other daughter. We have been down to FL a few times more than TX. The younger daughter is upset that we don't go see her more. We want to see our grandchildren yet we/I want to do other things as well. Do I sacrifice my plans for them? If I wait for retirement, I may never get to accomplish my plans.
Wednesday 16th of June 2021
Loved this info. However, aside from FaceTime sessions, I’d like advice on how often to visit my 2 month old granddaughter so she remembers me each time i come and we continue to grow close. I went there and helped for her second month. We are across the country from each other.
Thursday 17th of June 2021
It's difficult when you're far away, isn't it? Here are some ideas. Record your voice in a few of those recordable books - they have many to choose from now. Hearing your voice may help her remember you when you visit in person. Make a photo book with pictures of yourself and family, you holding her, etc. and have her parents share it with her often, reminding her of you. Visit in person as frequently as you can. I know that's a tough one when there are miles between you. FaceTime is still a great option. She can see you in person, hear your voice and interact with you there. Good luck!
Saturday 5th of June 2021
Thank you for making this site! I found it searching for stats on how often grandparents spend time with their grandkids. I'd been feeling sad about the lack of interest and involvement from my kids grandparents. They live six hours away, and haven't visited since the pandemic, even though they've been vaccinated for a few months. They haven't expressed any interest in us visiting either.
Before that they'd visit for a few days and stay at hotel, stopping in for brief visits for a day or two. Needless to say they've been only been alone with the kids a handful of times for an hour or two, and have made clear that they're not interested in "helping."
If anyone is in the same boat, there is a group called Surrogate Grandparents USA. We haven't found one yet, but other people without grandkids or grandparents (or without ones in their lives) have met their new family that way.
Wednesday 3rd of March 2021
In July of 2020, I became a grandmother for the first time. My son and his girl had a child together, their first also. I've always wanted to be a grandmother but lately I cry about it. My son and his girlfriend are no longer together and, for whatever reason, my son has unreasonable expectations regarding me spending time with my grandson. I adore my grandson but my son expects me to visit at least three times a week for long periods of time. During my visits, he watches me like a hawk, criticizing every move I make, even though I know what I'm doing. After all, I raised my son and was a frequent babysitter for nieces and nephews. He times my visits and is always ranting about how I "can't wait to leave". That's not the case, I just have a life and I think my son should spend more time alone with his son. I think if I'm there twice during the week and spend quite a few hours on the weekend, he shouldn't be judging me. Now my son is mad at me and is saying I can no longer see him or his son. I don't understand it. My son and I have always been like oil and water but I did raise him alone and did the best I could without much support, financial or otherwise. Add to the mix that my grandson's mother constantly criticizes my son and he now hates all women. All of this turmoil is exhausting and, as I said before, I don't know what to do about it. My grandson is absolutely precious and I am very frustrated with this situation and the behavior of both his parents, in addition to the other grandmother, who is also very critical. Now I'll have to visit my grandson at her house and it will be awkward. I hope this situation improves, my grandson deserves so much better. I wish they'd wake up and just concentrate on being good parents instead of finding fault..
Thursday 4th of March 2021
Hi, Katherine. From what you describe, it sounds like your son is very unhappy and he's taking it out on you. He has broken up with the baby's mom, he's feeling a lot of responsibility, is unsure of the future and his former girlfriend is on his case, too. He sounds scared. You are his safe place and he's using you to vent those frustrations.
I'm not a therapist by any means, so my advice is just from experience. It sounds like you both need a cooling-off period. Calmly explain to him that while you love him and his son, there's just too much conflict which isn't good for anyone, especially that baby. After a little time has passed, try again.
It's important that you keep a good relationship with him and maybe even the mom and the other grandma if you want to have contact with your grandson. Sometimes we put up with a lot in order to keep the peace. But you also need to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Kudos to you for trying to resolve this for the benefit of your grandson. Good luck!
Saturday 27th of February 2021
Due to a recent altercation between my children, I chose not take sides and I am paying the price. I have not spent any time with her for seven weeks and I have never spent more than a week without seeing her. For the last three years my daughter and grandaughter lived with us. We wre very close but she is only 5 and I wonder how long memories will remain. I have been her caregiver for secons and third shifts for my daughter. I took her to school every morning but 2. spend as much time as you are allowed to with them. Even when you believe your relationship with your children are the best, life can change. Today is thefirst chance I have had to see her. I am allowed to see her for 2 hours at her dads today. He is trying to get my daughter to have a change of heart. Dont let these opportunities pass. Build a relationship with them. They are a precious gift from God!